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Showing posts with label AsSeenOnPatch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label AsSeenOnPatch. Show all posts

Sep 26, 2014

Dunford and his (not) $3 million casa (not) for sale.

There are several things one cannot say about Andrew. No, if I knew what they were, I'd be yodeling them now, wouldn't I? But there is ONE thing one can say about Andrew. He knows his cricket. Again no,
I have no idea why this image is here
not the gryllidae family, but the allegedly soporific sport. Other than that, he is a Kiwi-Brit. For those in the civilized world that treats nachos as a delicacy, that's the ecclesiastical ephemeral equivalent of a Puerto Rican Yankee. 

Because New Zealand is Australia's Canada. Just as Lake Forest is Mission Viejo's Mexico.

There is an ancient Spanish proverb, or at least there should be 
"Un yak embarazada en el maletero es mejor que dos en el asiento delantero." 
That seems so spectacularly inapplicable here that I'm forced to mention it, because no one else will dare dream of doing so. As Google and the UN translator on standby loosely translates it (Beta version, accept at your own risk, or your neighbor's, I don't give a damn anymore) 
"A pregnant yak in the trunk is worth two in the front seat."
Now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense. Never look a gift horse in the mouth, they say.  Hey pal, you look where you want to, and I'll look where I damn well please, OK? Besides, what do they know?

Damn Luddites!

Anyhoo, as I was not saying, this Dunford dude ("bloke" for the Polynesians and Yezidis) has a house for sale. Location, location, location. No, I haven't a clue as to where it is located, or why I wasted that clever alliterative figure of speech, but that's all Andrew would divulge. I think it has something to do with the 140 character limit on Twitter, but I suspect an ulterior motive. Something more sinister. Macabre, almost. No, not Stephen King macabre, more like Edgar-Allan-Poe-write-only-bot who-has-been-trying-to-follow-me-on-Twitter-macabre. To which I say: Back off pal, do mosquitoes sucking on mummies ring a bell?

It is almost as if the Scotland Independence vote didn't go his way. I suspect that he was rooting for a draw, because they just do not have enough of those in Test Cricket (sp?) these days.

Recently (BIG SPOILER ALERT AHEAD), he took to Twitter to whine about (that be "whinge" in Antipodea I and II), get this, giraffes. Now, if this were the Deep South, the preceding sentence would have started with "Y'all not gonna believe this, but the fake pommie wants to gab about giraffes." Sensitive as I am to overcoming other people's xenophobia, I suggest that Andrew register himself with this premier site: G.D.B.P.W.S.N.B.D.G. That's right, he's probably awful at drawing 'em giraffes. There, I said it, somebody HAD TO!

Sometimes, I wonder.  

Sep 12, 2014

The Art of Thinking out Loud(er): The Loudening

Like a bad penny, <— note clever pun here Penny, I'm back! Admittedly, this may not be as highly awaited a sequel as Sharknado 2, but that's only because I didn't bring any tornadoes with me. Or sharks. Since this is an election year, the right way to settle whether or not mine is a welcome return is through a totally scientific poll.


Are you furrit?
Oi
Nuh-uh!
Beer
Scotland
First let me get a root canal
online poll creator

Dec 19, 2012

“Intellectual Feast”


"Robert Bork's America is a land in which women would be forced into back-alley abortions, blacks would sit at segregated lunch counters, rogue police could break down citizens' doors in midnight raids, schoolchildren could not be taught about evolution, writers and artists could be censored at the whim of the Government, and the doors of the Federal courts would be shut on the fingers of millions of citizens“ --Senator Edward Moore "Ted" Kennedy (D – Massachusetts). July 1, 1987

Robert Bork died December 19, 2012, from complications related to heart disease, and thus passed away a brilliant originalist and one of the most fiercely conservative legal minds of the last fifty years. His last public interactions were as a consultant to Mitt Romney in his presidential campaigns since 2007, and had the distinction of an eponymous verb entered in the dictionary on his behalf:

Oct 26, 2012

Fight Night at the Kiddie Table

This is a tape delayed live-blog of the debate conducted on Tuesday for third party candidates. Exactly like the Olympics broadcast on NBC earlier this year.

I watched it so that you did not have to, and now you can read this and lie to your friends that you did. Imagine how informed you’ll appear at the water cooler when you recite the names Jill Stein, Rocky Anderson, Virgil Goode, Gary Johnson, and Aldous Huxley.

You’re welcome.

So let’s get this puppy rolling, or whatever it is that puppies do. No, I shall not be quoting people verbatim, since I am more than a mere typist. Instead, think of this as a “based on a true story” type of a thing.

BREAKING: Larry King is alive!

He is the moderator for this historic debate. Why historic? Beats me, but when an easy-on-the-eye commentator like Christina Tobin says it is historic, you accept it.


Aug 3, 2012

The Art of Thinking out Loud

Life gave me lemons. Again.

But I had it with Life. So I delivered a swift Daniel-san crane kick in the general vicinity of what vivisectionists in biology textbooks grimacingly refer to as The Groin, and...

“Down goes Life! Down goes Life!” yodeled Howard Cossell. Or maybe that was just me pretending that I heard Howard.

Well, as I watched the lemons and two other un-lemon-y objects roll down the hill, I wondered if Life felt any shame. All these years, lemon after lemon, and me making lemonade, Life never got a clue that what I really wanted was a lime. A lime and a styptic pencil.

Tequila and lime. Key lime pie. Lime margarita stirred with a styptic pencil. Hello?

Jun 23, 2012

Of Turing and Bigotry


Those of you who use the popular search engine, Google, might have noticed their latest doodle for the Turing machine last week. A tribute to Alan Turing widely acknowledged as the father of modern computing. Before there were Jobs (or jobs in a discipline known as computer science), and Gates (or gates in silicon), or any of the other household names like that Facebook guy, or even the misplaced ridicule of Al Gore as the putative inventor of the Internet, there was Turing.

2012 is being celebrated as "The Turing Year", marking the hundred year anniversary of his birth. Born to parents of meager means, he and his brother spent Harry Potteresque lives in foster homes. Only, there was no Hogwarts. His father worked for the Indian Civil Service, which was a low paying if prestigious government job in British India.
A brilliant mind even as he entered his teens, he was recommended for specialized education by his school headmaster who figured that a public education was wasted on someone so gifted in the sciences.

Oh, he was also a homosexual, a born one.

Sep 17, 2011

The Thirteen-Percenters


A recent Gallup poll showed that the congressional approval rating stands at a Dick Cheneyesquely anemic 13 percent. Imagine that—only 13 percent of us think that Congress is doing an adequate job, and it has not even been a full year since we elected them. (I'd like to meet some of those in the 13 percent, but they seem hard to locate.)
Furthermore, 65 percent expressed similar disappointment at their own representative in Congress. So if Mission Viejo were a representative city, only 35 percent of us believe that our representative, Gary Miller, is doing an adequate job. Yet, he ran unopposed in 2010, and was elected by a virtual landslide in 2008. 
OK, so what does that lowly 13-percent approval rating really mean?
It means people are angry at Congress, and believe that it is the fault of the members of the otherparty. That's about it.
Which is why Congress members are unconcerned about how they fare in such polls. Again take, for instance, Gary Miller. He is a member of the Tea Party caucus, exaggerated his military service record, voted for TARP (the bank bailout), resisted privatization of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae till he came up with a scheme that uses taxpayer backed guarantees—generally things that'll earn you the ire of the Tea Party and other Republicans. But only if you are a Democrat, perhaps one running in a Republican district. He has no such worries. Miller runs (or did run) from a Republican district. Likewise, Californians are fed up with their senators, especially Barbara "call me Senator" Boxer, and yet there is no doubt as to who we'll elect.
It takes a lot to unseat an incumbent. Conventional wisdom says that you need to outspend the incumbent 3:1 to have a shot, and given that the incumbent is already a safer bet, guess who the donors are going to favor? You need the quixotic Ross Perot to play spoiler for Bush the Elder—or an absolutely disastrous Gerald Fordian move like pardoning Tricky Dick—to be ousted. And today, even that may not suffice. A scandal can sometimes oust someone, like Anthony Weiner, if he is foolish enough to resign, or is a Democrat (is there even a difference anymore?) If they are Republicans like David Vitter, or Helen Chenoweth, a self-notarized note of forgiveness from God and/or spouse suffices.
Surely this is different in landmark elections. You know, the "Hope and Change" movement of 2008, or the "Take our Country Back" revolution of 2010?
Surprisingly, no.
What! So what of the fury of the American voter we heard about just before each of those elections? Remember when the lamestream media (FOX, NBC, MSNBC, CBS, ABC, FOX News, ...) blared 24/7 that a wave of anti-incumbency is spreading across the nation?
Did I not say lamestream media?  Wasn't that enough?
Here are the facts: In 2008, 90 percent of the incumbents were re-elected. In 2010, the bloodbath was heavier, but still resulted in 87 percent of the incumbents being re-elected. Historically, nine in ten incumbents are re-elected. That is a simple fact, easily verifiable by looking at past election results.
So how do we have the majority changing colors? Well, a 10-percent change is a change of about 43 seats in the House. That could be as big as an 86-seat shift, enough to cause a red House to turn blue or vice-versa.
So the next time you find yourself discussing politics, and someone remarks "I am sick of this inaction and indifference, let's vote the bums out," what they are really asking you to do is vote Republican or Democrat based on their own party affiliation. Try it: ask a Republican in Mission Viejo whom we should vote out, and they'll likely answer Obama, Boxer, or Feinstein. If they are knowledgeable, they may even know who Gary Miller is. Likewise, ask a Democrat if they'll vote out Boxer or Feinstein for a Republican like Carly Fiorina.
There is one notable and exceptional apparatus for ousting incumbents. It relies on a clever channeling of instantaneous rage into a special election.
What is this apparatus? A recall.
Gray Davis was ousted with relatively little effort, as were two Republicans in the Wisconsin senate recently. The tactic often relies on a concentrated stealth effort where the incumbent is often taken by surprise, and left with little time to do his fund-raising and campaigning as usual. Couple that withvoter apathy, and you have the makings of a clever steal.
I'll illustrate with a local example.  In February 2010, the Mayor of Mission Viejo, Lance MacLean wasrecalled. The final tally was 
  • Votes cast to recall MacLean: 7,370 (50.1%)
  • Votes cast to keep MacLean: 7,351 (49.9%)
That is 19 votes—a wafer-thin margin. One of the main reasons cited by the recall campaigners was that his taxpayer-funded healthcare would have cost us some $250,000 over his lifetime. There were a slew of other allegations against him, and recall signatures were collected from the general public. On the face of it, who could argue? Hey, voters dislike the idea of taxpayer monies going to things like elected officials' healthcare, they dislike the fact that he voted for a 100-percent pay increase for the council, etc. But how many of them actually verified the allegations, their impact, the relative merits and demerits before signing the recall petition?
Unknown, but some 14,000 signatures were obtained (only 9,000 valid signatures were required) for the recall to be approved.
That number should set off an alarm. 14,000 wanted him recalled, but only 7,370 could actually bother to vote to recall him.
People will often sign any petition if it does not take much time, and it sounds like they are revolting against injustice. The recall election itself cost the city at least $260,000, so the potential savings from the lifetime healthcare benefits were lost even if MacLean had not been recalled! 
Besides, the healthcare figure was a lifetime benefit, so one wonders why he could not have been ousted in the regular elections a mere ten months later, without having to pay for a special election. Surely he was not going to use up all the $250,000 in benefits in the ten months till election day. As to the 100 percent increase, it was the first-ever raise for the council since the city was incorporated in 1988. And the sum? $500 per month. In a city with a budget of about $65 million per year.
Lance MacLean would have probably been recalled anyway, perhaps even deservedly, but there was a reason to have that recall election, and not wait till November. Removing an incumbent is historically a Herculean task. So instead, the smart political maneuver was the ambush of a special recall election.
Anti-incumbency is a myth, but voter apathy is real. And it is dangerous. So please, spend the time to familiarize yourself with the politicians you'll vote for next year. If you dislike Obama, make sure that the one you vote in his place is someone you find has a record that gives you hope for a real change. At least figure out which of the Republican candidates has the best track record for issues that matter to you. If you like Obama, find out why he deserves to be re-elected given his track record. What has he actually accomplished? Who, if anyone, could be better?
And if you are a Libertarian like me, well, hope that someone like Gary Johnson runs on the ticket. He'll lose, but if you vote for him, and he garners enough votes, we can start cracking the incumbency juggernaut in a decade or so. If you feel that a vote for such a candidate is a waste, know that in California any vote that is not for Obama is similarly a waste. At least you'd have voted for the one you think should run the asylum that is Congress.
Perhaps this country can do better if we voted with some thought beyond the party symbol that appears next to a candidate's name.

Aug 25, 2011

Notictionary


Alaska Palin invented a new word last year: refudiate. So lame was the lamestream media that they fixated on it long enough that some of her most subservient, obsequious devotees got motivated enough to successfully lobby its inclusion into the New Oxford American Dictionary. Who knows? They may even have understood—no pun intended—what the word supposedly means.
[Note to self: Never buy the New Oxford American Dictionary]
Speaking of subservient, Minnesota Palin did Alaska Palin one better. (Stop salivating, you perverts--she didn't do her that way.)
When ambushed with a gotcha question by the same lamestream media, she responded that submissive does not mean subservient. Way to go out on a limb there, having the guts to say what a word does not mean! It is courageous insight like this that scares those "libruls."
I am thinking that there ought to be a compendium of such words, and if I seize the day, today, perhaps I can profit from it. I am struggling—no pun intended—to find a word in the dictionarycommensurate with the concept, but then I struggle to find synonyms for the word thesaurus, so this is hardly news. Apparently, the proper recourse under such circumstances is to simply invent a new word. I also have it on good authority that Billy Shakespeare did this frequently during his numerous writer's blocks.
Well, Shakespeare I am not.
[Waits for the audience to overcome their disbelief]
But I do have the necessary chutzpah to invent a new word:
Notictionary. noun \naw-tik-shə-ˌner-ē, -ˌne-rē\
  1. : a compendium of words that do not mean other words.
  2. : not a dictionary.
In all fairness though, Minnesota Palin did provide a definition for submissive. In her house, it apparently means respect. Obviously, it is not a candidate for my notictionary, since it is stating what a word means, and not what it does not mean. Since it is also not a synonym for submissive in the slightest—according to, ahem, a dictionary—it is a perfect candidate for this year's entry into The New Oxford American Dictionary.
Who knows? With some skillful editing it can even follow the entry for refudiate. Because, if you do not care what a word means, surely you can waive the requirement that the dictionary has to follow any lexicographical ordering. After all, the Dewey Decimal System was created for wimps.
Perhaps the question was posed to the wrong person. It should have been directed to Mr. Minnesota Palin instead, who among other things, operates a clinic to "cure" homosexuals of their homosexuality.
"Mr. Minnesota Palin, are you submissive to your patients during their treatment sessions at your clinic?" would be an intriguing question, but only if our lamestream media were not busy sucking on the exhaust fumes from Alaska Palin's bus.
In case you were wondering what submissive really means, a cursory glance at a thesaurus would be—no pun intended—enlightening. Note that none of the synonyms even resemble respect.
Further, if you are cynically curious as I was to look up submissive in a dictionary, the ad-engine at the site might cough up an ad targeted to women, or to a guinea pig of Mr. Minnesota Palin's: How to attract men. Talk about Freudian slips creeping into the consciousness of the new communication medium!
Hey wait, it looks like I have my first submission—no pun intended—for my notictionary: Submissive.
Submissive: Not respect.
With that, the floodgates have opened, so I'll start off with a few more of my own, and then invite the smart(-alec) readers among you to augment this already formidable list:
Competent: Not Obama.
Piano: Not ice cream.
Is: Not at this moment. Also, depends on what your definition of "is" is.
The Buck: Never stopped here.
Traitor: Not one who has an "I support the troops" sticker on her car.
Casey Anthony: Not guilty.
Conservative: Not a liberal.
Compassionate conservative: Not Bush the Younger. Nor Obama.
Christine O'Donnell: Not a witch.
Job creator: Not rich.
African Dictator: Not president forever, president for life.
Apology: Not saying you're sorry when you admit wrong-doing.
Tricky Dick: Not a crook.
Denial: Not a cheap gimmick to include an overused pun about a river in Egypt.
Misquoted: Not conceding being quoted verbatim, as being quoted.

"Tar baby": Not a racist slur.

Bombing: Not at war with Libya, Pakistan, or Yemen.

Implants: Not real.
Undefeated: Not Alaska Palin.
Eminem: Not afraid.
OJ: Not Casey Anthony.
Geraldo Rivera: Not a journalist but plays one on TV. (Still haven't forgiven him for those empty Capone vaults.)
Bald: Not a hair color.
August 16: Not Elvis's birthday.
Dred Scott: Not a mule... oh wait, exactly like a mule.
Sy Sperling: Not just the president.
"...well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does": Not intended to be a factual statement.
Only 999,719 more to go, so get those neurons firing, people. We shouldn't have to rely solely—no pun intended—on politicians or celebrities for these gems.

Aug 16, 2011

Dred Scott and a Mule


Trivia buffs often ponder this question: What was the difference between Dred Scott and a mule?

Not ordinary trivia buffs, mind you, but trivia buffs of the Civil War, the Confederacy, and landmark Supreme Court decisions. That would exclude a certain woman from Minnesota who first suggested that the founding fathers worked tirelessly to end slavery, and then doubled down by counting a nine-year old as one of those founding fathers.
The Confederacy, or at least the Confederate flag, has made a comeback in recent years. It appears to be fashionable, and was last noticed locally on Tax Day. Or more precisely, on what was celebrated as Tax Day.
Why? Why would one fly the wrong flag on Tax Day? What’s wrong with Old Glory? It would seem that Old Glory just does not convey the sentiment behind the Confederacy. The tradition and the rich history which, to be properly examined, forces one to examine the most tumultuous time in our nation’s past: the Civil War Era.
As most citizens know, the Civil War was fought between a group of secessionist states called the Confederate States and the Union. Most citizens however, are slowly being made to forget the main cause(s) of the Civil War.
Was it over slavery? Or was it over, as a popular news channel often claims through its hosts and guests, "States' rights?" The answer? 


Both.
As long as we understand that it wasn’t "States' rights" as much as "States' right."
The right to own slaves.
The story of Dred Scott, one such slave who fought to be free, is well-known. He lost, since the 13thAmendment did not exist at the time of Dred Scott vs. Sandford. In the majority opinion, Chief Justice Roger B. Taney noted:
They had for more than a century before been regarded as beings of an inferior order, and altogether unfit to associate with the white race either in social or political relations, and so far inferior that they had no rights which the white man was bound to respect, and that the negro might justly and lawfully be reduced to slavery for his benefit. He was bought and sold, and treated as an ordinary article of merchandise and traffic whenever a profit could be made by it.
"OK," I can hear you say, "what does that have to do with the thesis that the Confederacy was mainly about slavery?"
Other than the preponderance of that sentiment in the Confederate states at that time? Not much. Take a look at segments from some of their declarations of secession.
The first two sentences from the declaration by Georgia:
The people of Georgia having dissolved their political connection with the Government of the United States of America, present to their confederates and the world the causes which have led to the separation. For the last ten years we have had numerous and serious causes of complaint against our non-slave-holding confederate States with reference to the subject of African slavery.
The first three from Mississippi’s:
In the momentous step which our State has taken of dissolving its connection with the government of which we so long formed a part, it is but just that we should declare the prominent reasons which have induced our course.
Our position is thoroughly identified with the institution of slavery-- the greatest material interest of the world. Its labor supplies the product which constitutes by far the largest and most important portions of commerce of the earth. These products are peculiar to the climate verging on the tropical regions, and by an imperious law of nature, none but the black race can bear exposure to the tropical sun.
From the declaration by Texas (emphasis is in the original):
We hold as undeniable truths that the governments of the various States, and of the confederacy itself, were established exclusively by the white race, for themselves and their posterity; that the African race had no agency in their establishment; that they were rightfully held and regarded as an inferior and dependent race, and in that condition only could their existence in this country be rendered beneficial or tolerable.
That in this free government all white men are and of right ought to be entitled to equal civil and political rights; that the servitude of the African race, as existing in these States, is mutually beneficial to both bond and free, and is abundantly authorized and justified by the experience of mankind, and the revealed will of the Almighty Creator, as recognized by all Christian nations; while the destruction of the existing relations between the two races, as advocated by our sectional enemies, would bring inevitable calamities upon both and desolation upon the fifteen slave-holding states.
If that does not convince you, read the declarations in their entirety, and if you are numerically curious, count how often the word “slave” appears in the texts. The Confederacy’s main goal was to ensure that people like Dred Scott remained chattel, like a mule.
A recent CNN poll estimated that today about eight out of every ten Republicans show admiration for the leaders of the South. This is in direct contrast to the Republicans of the Civil War era, when an identical number favored the Union leaders who fought the South.
It’d therefore appear that these Republicans of today more closely resemble the Southern Democrats of that era. So when someone waves the Confederate flag today, I do not necessarily conclude racism or ignorance. But I do think that they are telling me to re-title my article to "Two Mules." 


That upsets me just a little. In retaliation, I pose the following query:
Assume for a moment the Civil War was about "States' rights." We all know that the Union defeated the Confederacy. If it was indeed over rights and not just one right, simply enumerate the rights that the victors stripped away from the Confederate states, other than the one taken away by the 13thAmendment.
What were these other rights, and why don’t the declarations of secession cite them as grievously as they do the right to own slaves?