This is a tape delayed live-blog of the debate conducted on Tuesday for third party candidates. Exactly like the Olympics broadcast on NBC earlier this year.
I watched it so that you did not have to, and now you can read this and lie to your friends that you did. Imagine how informed you’ll appear at the water cooler when you recite the names Jill Stein, Rocky Anderson, Virgil Goode, Gary Johnson, and Aldous Huxley.
So let’s get this puppy rolling, or whatever it is that puppies do. No, I shall not be quoting people verbatim, since I am more than a mere typist. Instead, think of this as a “based on a true story” type of a thing.
BREAKING: Larry King is alive!
He is the moderator for this historic debate. Why historic? Beats me, but when an easy-on-the-eye commentator like Christina Tobin says it is historic, you accept it.
Back to Larry; sixty seconds before the fight he was wondering where the camera was, where he should be looking, and what was he doing in his suspenders during his nap time. Yes, he’s ready for the glue factory. [Ouch! --Ed.]
Christina: Historic. Larry rocks. Take our country back!
Larry: Two minute intros, then six questions
[audience claps for no reason]
Question #1: How humiliated do you feel because of this “Top 2 candidates only” rule in some states?
Jill: It is BAD.
Rocky: What she said!
Virgil: What they said! Also states’ rights, and federal govt. should butt out.
Odd, given that “Top 2” exists only at the states level. Naturally Larry looks confused.
Hey what happened to the intros?
Gary: Top 2 gave us Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum
A note: audience participation was not just allowed, it was encouraged.
Gary: I vow to kill Medicare because everyone is paying in only $30,000 and getting $100,000 in benefits.
[Crowd applauds nervously]
We get it, “Top 2” is bad, and we’re hosed. By “we,” I mean these four are hosed first. Then us.
Now we have Larry speaking. Why? I do not know. But he gives them another minute.
Jill is complaining that the security at Hofstra went Rodney King on her when she tried to burst in at the Obmaney-fest. Rocky is whining about “states’ rights” on the “Top 2” topic. He moves on to condemning climate change and too much defense. Virgil attacks Citizens United because, er, Democracy! Gary Johnson wants to dress up Mitt like a NASCAR car with ads. He is also against drones, killing brown people, and warns of 1984 everywhere under Obamney.
Larry has had enough, he wants to move on to the second question.
Ah, it was odd, Jill is now asking what happened to their intros.
Larry: Sorry, no intros
Christina: YES intros
Larry: Sorry, no intros in my notes...oh OK, YES intros
Jill Stein starts with a breaking point becoming a tipping point because, oh who cares! Twenty five million jobs! GREEN, GREEN, GREEN! Medicare for all, and free student loans.
Larry: Sorry for not having notes to allow intros
Rocky curses Wall Street, and reminds us how screwed we are because all of our 401K is gone. Then something about Obama, imperialism, Obamacare, bad, habeas corpus, climate change and … Larry King interrupts.
Virgil counts four things on five fingers: Balanced budget, Jobs, jobs, no immigration till jobs for Americans, and more jobs, no SuperPACs...Larry King interrupts...and term limits. Gary does not want to bomb Iran (I bet he is a Muslim), wants to end the Afghanistan war, mandate gay marriage for everybody, and to start smoking pot and snorting cocaine NOW. He wants to end the Patriot Act, stop wars (wimp!), and balance the budget. Also NO income tax, NO corporate tax, NO IRS, ...Larry King interrupts...Fair tax.
[crowd erupts, Larry panics]
Question #2: Drug War? YEA or NAY?
Rocky is NAY, thanks Clinton for pardoning some dude who smoked pot near a gun, and notes that 5% of our people are in jails. Virgil wants a balanced budget, “states’ rights” (huh?), but is NOT for legalizing drugs, or Planned Parenthood [impulse abortionists boo]...Larry reminds everyone that “we are on drugs” (I think he meant the topic, not his mental state, but I cannot be sure). Gary says NAY, and notes that 90% of drug problems are prohibition-related not use-related. Also “Coloradans get it” and “Hugs, THEN drugs.”
Christina tries to cut out Jill, but Jill is an MD. “Pot is dangerous because it is illegal, not illegal because it is dangerous.” Also “Day one, everyone will be smoking pot!” She’ll use science to stop bad drugs, because that’s how she rolls!
Larry: One minute to rebut
Rocky jumps in to rebut, but whom? I do not know, neither does he. So he’s going to pardon everybody on drugs. Or those in jails because of drugs. Gary is rebutting too. Some lame story...Larry King interrupts...so he moves on to meth. “Meth is racist, because cocaine puts holes in your heart like Whitney Houston.” Virgil bellows that he is not for drug legalization, he’s the one who is different than the other three, and no one rebuts him.
Larry looks confused and figures he no longer knows what rebut means.
Question 3: Is the military budget big?
Virgil says balanced budget with “part of the cuts in military.” Retrench, and no policing the world. Close military bases. Gary says “defense, not offense, not nation building.” Balanced budget which will cut 43% in military spending (just like it was before we attacked Iraq because 14 of 19 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia.) Also no drones strikes, because we should not pick winners and losers among dictators.
Jill agrees with Rocky, and Gary, but not Virgil.
[Finally! Someone rebutted someone, praise Larry!]
She also drones on about ending drone wars -- “not bring home the drones,” drone, drone, and “fight the war on climate change, not oil.”
Rocky says Ike said “militarized industrial complex. (So what?) OK, that is bad because Congress wastes too much money on military, therefore treason! No wars till somebody blows us up first, or we know that they will blow us up first. Also Congress alone decides when to war.
Larry: OK anyone wants to rebut for a minute?
Virgil: Rocky is correct.
Larry loses it. “Rebut means disagree, not agree. So anyone?”
Gary wants to rebut. He was against the Iraq war, but was for the Afghanistan war, but not for so long, therefore no bombing of Iran.
Larry is now really confused about what “rebut” means.
Question #4: College will cost gazillions in 2030. So why go to college?
Gary: I had lottery scholarships in New Mexico, so no more low cost loans. Wait, what?
Jill: Free higher education for everyone. Like the GI Bill.
Hmm, “Trickle down education?”
Rocky: Forbearers were wise. We must provide higher education. For the future.
Sounds exactly like Jill, so maybe he’ll rebut her later.
Virgil: Delivers “straight talk.” We cannot afford Pell grants, so no education for anyone. You are on your own because $16 trillion.
Larry has not said “rebuttal time,” so Gary goes ahead and rebuts.
Gary: Free comes with a cost. Free is borrow and spend. 43 cents, 1 dollar, hello? So no free education, you got that Jill? Instead we should have a level playing field.
Rocky rebuts rebuttal: We need free education because austerity is crap during a recession.
Jill piles on, and agrees with Rocky. Wants free education for youth.
Naturally, Virgil rebuts Romney and Obama. This probably will induce rage into Larry. I am disappointed that it does not.
Question #5: Are civil rights good?
All of them: er, yes. Gary Johnson won more “liberty torches” than anyone ever, include Ron Paul, take that you Paululans!
[crowd applauds, Paululans cannot be heard]
Question #6: Name a new amendment that you’d want and get passed
Rocky: Equal rights for everyone. Like compulsory gay marriage.
Larry is worried that it may not pass. He is right.
Virgil: Term limits for Congress. 6 to 12 years. Will pass like knife through hot butter.
Gary: Term limits for Congress.
Jill starts rebutting Gary and Virgil that term limits do not work because “Hello? Citizens United?” So her amendment?
Jill: Corporations are not people, money is not speech. Also potable water, worker safety, … Larry interrupts.
Larry is tired, he needs his nap, so two minute speech with no rebuttals.
Virgil: Balanced budget, jobs and no immigration till we get to 5% unemployment, no SuperPacs.
He also rebuts Jill’s constitutional amendment, which freaks Larry.
Gary: Run it (what?) like a business. Make it easy to get work visas, but no green cards.
Jill: Alice Walker something.“Biggest way to give up power is not recognizing having it.” Vote vote vote even if you hate Democrats and Republicans. Vote for us, half of you are not going to vote, because you be slaves! But students will get free stuff, so vote for free education.
Rocky: climate change is tops, Obamney is bad because they are corporatists. Gay marriage for everyone, no drug war. Also jobs. Work together.
Larry King ends it saying he believes in free speech, but why is he talking now? Something about Ross Perot, Ralph Nader, windmills, then he salutes random people, thanks Christina, and he is ready for his nap.
I don’t know why I mentioned Aldous Huxley either. Watch the video if you think you know.