Each time a fact in the Bible is disproved, it becomes a metaphor. Each time I hear that good news, I ask what is it a metaphor for? I am treated to silence, or worse, told not to take it out of context. To restrict the amount of face-palming to when I really need it, I've decided to join the anti-heathens, and started quoting scripture myself.
Just as randomly and without provocation, so that I too can smugly sneer "neener neener, out of context!"
So what's my metaphor? The Bible itself.
The Bible is a communal dildo.
The Christians like to use it only in the missionary position, and feel guilty if they enjoy it too much. I'll use it purely for pleasure. When I want. Where I want. However often I want. In keeping with my good hygiene habits, I shall also shower after using it.