Jan 22, 2013

Parable of the Good Father

J. H. Christopher (JayEtch was his hip hop name) was a content human, and as he grew out of his teens, and came of beer-drinking age, he met Sally, and they decided to procreate.

Together they had two children: Burt and Tameka.

One day, JayEtch decided to take his lovely wife to dinner. This was the first time they were leaving both Burt and Tameka behind, so they decided to hire the services of the neighborhood teenage babysitter Devlin. Devlin was a troubled teen having gotten in trouble all around the neighborhood, TPing houses, urinating on some neighbor's lawn, etc.

But JayEtch really liked the kid, and so it was arranged. Sixteen-year-old Devlin to watch four-year-old Burt and seven-year-old Tameka.

Before they left, JayEtch brought his shotgun down from the attic, loaded it, set the safety off, and left it in the center of the family room. He then proceeded to explain to Burt and Tameka that a gun was dangerous, and under no circumstances were they to touch it at all. He warned that using the shotgun could result in death [1], and that they would suffer for the rest of their lives.

JayEtch and Sally left for their date, with Devlin in charge.

After a few rounds of Etch-a-Sketch, Nintendo, Doctor, and Play-doh, Tameka's eyes shifted to the gun. She wanted to play with it, but was reminded of the grave consequences. Devlin noticed her curiosity and encouraged her to try the shotgun.

"But it'll be deadly, and I do not want to kill anyone," she said.

"You won't, trust me" said Devlin.

"Don't, daddy will be mad!" whined Burt, but Devlin insisted it would be OK. Burt reluctantly agreed.

Tameka played with it, and after a while, squeezed the trigger. As complete random chance would have it, she shot her brother in the leg.

Burt let out blood-curdling screams, and hearing this, the friendly neighbor rushed over, and immediately called the 911 folks (Noah Wylie and co.), and texted JayEtch.

JayEtch was furious when he returned, and instead of watching Noah Wylie and co., he went to check out the footage on the hidden video camera he had installed.

He collected his thought [sic], and then let Tameka and Burt have it. He vowed that they will be punished for the rest of their lives, for disobeying his specific instructions. "I told you not to play with that loaded shotgun, but you wanted to be just like daddy. For this you shall suffer physical abuse for the rest of your life. So shall your kids." As Burt tried to protest "But, I had noth--," JayEtch dismissively ignored his pathetic excuses.

"You shall leave my house as soon [2] as you are better," he bellowed.

Devlin was not spared either. "You shall never baby-sit my kids again, you shall have no purpose but to TP houses and urinate on that friendly neighbor's lawn!" was the cruel (and unusual) punishment handed to him, and was also asked to get out of his sight.

Devlin complied.

[Five years elapse]

Devlin turned 21, and JayEtch decided to take him out for a beer.

"That Burt of yours is quite a sissy, JayEtch."
"Look how badly he limps. For crying out loud, it has been five years!"
"Bite me!"
"I bet he hates your guts, JayEtch."
"I bet that no matter what I do to him, he'll always love me."
"Yo’ mama!" said Devlin.

JayEtch decided to show Devlin, and they agreed on a bet [3].

They got home, and Devlin just started raining blows on Burt in plain view of his father demanding that he state that he hated his father, since his dad won't do anything to stop the blows.

Burt sobbed, wailed, but stood firm. Well, as firm as he could on a shot leg.

Devlin didn't stop, and started kicking him in the shin really hard.

Finally Burt yelled "Dad, are you going to do something?"

JayEtch did.

He took out his belt and whipped Burt silly till he was writhing on the floor in pain. As Sally and Tameka came to Burt's rescue, JayEtch whipped them too.

"It is my house, and I set the rules! Any of you that does not like my rules, can leave. NOW!"

Sobbing, the three of them went away to a bedroom, and continued sobbing.
Devlin and JayEtch downed a couple of brewskies each.

JayEtch finally felt regret for clobbering his family, so that night he took them to Red Lobster. With Devlin.

As they all enjoyed the Tijuana lobster, both Tameka and Burt said "You are the bestest dad in the whole world, and we know that you love us. We will never live apart from you, and we will always love you."

Devlin laughed, but JayEtch had the last laugh (or laughed the loudest) as he won his wager.


[1] Death as in cessation of all chemical and physical processes of a life form.
[2] Soon as in some unspecified time later.
[3] Wager unknown.

1 comment:

rappoccio said...

Wait, wait! I know this one! Don't tell me! I've heard it before... SOMEwhere.