Of Idioms and Proverbs

Like an eldritch gargoyle birthed into existence by an impure thought, (what does that even mean?) I now unleash my calm, measured fury on idioms and proverbs:

"Never look a gift horse in the mouth"
Well, you look where you want to look, and I'll look where I want to, OK pal?

"Honesty is the best policy."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Good one!

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"
Looking at the job they did on my windshield, the last place I want a bird is in my hand. All of them can remain in the bush. See if I care.

"Out of sight, out of mind"
Really? Then what's this "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" all about? What about "Time heals all wounds"? Hmm, what about that?

"A broken clock is right twice a day."
Not Rick Perry's.  Unh uh.  His is only right once a day.


"Be glad to see the back of"
I don't get this one.

"A good beginning makes a good ending"

Which is another way of saying "well begun is half done" and consequently my go to approach on tasks that I share with others. They can end what I begin well.

"A leopard cannot change its spots"
Why the fuck would it try?

"You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."
I no longer use honey or vinegar. I'm just not interested in catching flies anymore.

"Add Fuel To The Fire"

Well, I tried adding molasses, it simply does not work. Duuuuhhh!

"To Make A Long Story Short"

Next time, start with the short story and if I need it, I'll beat the longer version out of you.

"Better safe than sorry."

Bristol, honey, you want to weigh in on this?

"Mum's the word"

Are you sure? I thought eleemosynary was the word.
[Checks]
Yup, pretty sure it was eleemosynary.

"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen"
That is a formal fallacy, which is why I prefer this form:
"If you can’t run with the big pigs, stay out of the pen."

"A fool and his money are soon parted"

That's nice, but which dumbass was responsible for giving the fool his money in the first place?

"A stitch in time saves nine"

Groan! I've to learn stitching now, so that I don't have to stitch a lot?  Sounds like a rip-off to me.

"All things come to those who wait"

Wait, didn't you also say "the early bird gets the worm"? Looks like you want all the worms for yourself.  Not falling for that.

"Your guess is as good as mine"

Not really, I was just being polite. 7.  My guess is 7.  Clearly yours is worse.

"Don't cut off your nose to spite your face"
But if you can't spite your face any other way, make sure you have a bottle of antiseptic handy. Also, please wait till I get my video camera?

"East is east, and west is west"
I need a tautological proverb to tell me that?

"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; show him how to catch fish, and you feed him for a lifetime."

Similarly, give a man a mug and he'll drink coffee for a lifetime; show him how to mug, and he'll drink champagne for a lifetime.

"Never judge a book by its cover"
Oh great, now I have to read the damn thing?

"One good turn deserves another"
Um, how the hell will I ever get ahead, then?

"Seek and ye shall find"
Still looking for my pencil that I lost in 1978. I've run out of places to seek.

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
…and if it is broke, just buy a new knob. You don't need a whole door.

"The good die young"
Just as I suspected, the oldest living among us are the most wretched. Them, and Pauly Shore.

"It's the thought that counts"
You ingrate! You are yet to thank me for your last year's gifts.

"The plural of anecdote is not data"
I know this one.  I believe it goes "The plural of anecdote is data," but that just feels so wrong.

"Two wrongs don't make a right."

But simultaneous orgasms just feel so right.

"Cross that bridge when you come to it"

Or jump off it.

"The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

True, but you have to be careful not to run the scalpel into his rib cage. 

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."

Watch me not give a damn. (I look pretty cool doing it, don't you think? Especially in this body-fitting gabardine suit?)

"People who live in glass houses should not throw stones."

But if you really must, do so surreptitiously.

"A penny for your thoughts"

Your thoughts? In that case, I prefer "A penny saved is a penny earned"

"To hear something straight from the horse's mouth"

But if you want to hear it from the other end, I won't stop you.

"Lie down with dogs, wake up with fleas."

Rabies. You lie down with Cujo's clan, you get rabies. Not fleas.

"Let sleeping dogs lie"

Agreed. Also, death to Cujo.

"Birds of a feather flock together."

…and crap all over my windshield, I know.

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Why not just stab yourself?  Go ahead, I'll wait.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

But ugly is to the bone.  Hence, "bone ugly."

"You can't always get what you want."

[Checks]

Yup, Pauly Shore is still breathing.