Take a look at this righteously scientific analysis
presented by a religiously conservative organization trying to save the world. It is worth reading. Yes, I know it is a satirical site
It is designed to help distressed women discern if their husband is gay, because it appears to be the most pressing problem for religiously devout women today. Increasingly, they find that they have married a gay man, and they do not even know it!
Before we delve into the telling signs, let's step back for a moment and ponder this. You have the religious do-gooders preach that homosexuality is a sin. They also do not want homosexuals to marry each other or live their lives as they want to. No, they either want them to remain in the closet, or get "prayed away the gay" by Mr. Minnesota Palin, and consort exclusively with heterosexual women. Er, woman, because of that one-man-one-woman thing.
Apparently some homosexual men accept this infallible truth, and when they do, well, things do not turn out well for the woman. But before they go openly gay, there is apparently a period of confusion, where the woman can't tell whether her husband is really craving for another man.
Fear not, Christophiliacs are here to help with some signs:
Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers.
He is watching porn, and didn't you know, watching porn makes you gay! Ask Hugh Hefner or Charlie Sheen. Which should scare the Bible Belt silly, because porn is most watched
in those states. So ladies of the South, you are in deep trouble. But the silver lining is that he is not cheating on you with another woman.
Looks at other men in a flirtatious way.
This is incorrectly stated. If your man is just looking
at another man, he is gay. Why else would he look at other men?
Feigning attention in church and prayer groups.
Obviously, if he is going to church, he is only doing it because he hopes to score as a rent-boy with the pastor. Besides, it is obvious that he is only feigning attention, and not paying attention. You see, if you could tell the difference between feigning and not feigning, you might have known he was gay before you married him. One way to catch him feigning attention is to suddenly ask him to explain Revelation 22:12
. The slightest sign of a wicked grin, and it is confirmed that he is gay.
Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
. He is a neat freak, and all neat freaks are gay. This is good advice for the single women out there. Unless your boyfriend's apartment is littered with beer cans, some with potable beer in them, and his bedroom indistinguishable from his toilet or the broom closet, or at least not as clean, he is gay.
Gym membership but no interest in sports
. Yes, he is obviously doing it because he is gay. If he returns too tired from the gym, it is not because he worked out, it is because he had sex in the bathroom with another guy. This is also good advice to gay men pretending to be straight. Hang out at the gym, but watch a sport. Ice-skating is a good choice.
Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”.
"Trendy" clothes means you look like Doogie Howser
. And we now know that he is gay. Real men dress like slobs, wearing flannel shirts and boots. A corollary of this: Do not put on weight, or you'll become gay because of those tight-fitting jeans. Conway Twitty expressed this sentiment perfectly with his Tight fittin' jeans
Strange sexual demands.
Hmm, I did not realize that there were such things. Wait a minute, may be I am ...nah, not relevant.
More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
. This one's tricky. If your husband is into watching porn with you, he is gay (see Sign #1, above), and you are a lesbian, but if he is watching only the women in those films, then maybe he is not gay. So, if you want him to not turn gay, buy him a lot of lesbian flicks.
Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
. Ladies, when he tells you that he works for a large international company and has to travel to Los Angeles, Cleveland, New York, or Beijing, he is GAY. There is absolutely no reason to go to Cleveland. All NBA players therefore, are gay.
Sudden heavy drinking
. This is the most telling sign. It is OK if he drinks like a fish. It is OK if he doesn't. But let's say you are watching a relaxing lesbian porn movie with your gay husband, and suddenly, for no apparent reason whatsoever he jumps out of bed, breaks into your dad's liquor cabinet and guzzles down that gallon of Charles Shaw commemorative carton, he is gay.
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